Moses, Prince of Egypt, Would Like to Connect

One aspect of working in technology – which goes directly to why we set our Miss-Information Murder Mystery series in the tech industry – is the myriad of opportunities to skewer technology-fueled pretensions. Among them are the vainglorious titles and epithets people anoint to themselves.

A we-did-not-make-this-up example is the business card that read, “Eric Xxxxxx, Indispensible Services to Mankind.” Describing himself as The Messiah would have been more efficient and a little more catchy, even if it’s, like, so, Jerusalem in 30AD.

A colleague with a great sense of humor sought but was unable to achieve a promotion to “Consulting Member of the Technical Staff.” So he procured business cards that listed his title as “Insulting Member of the Technical Staff.”

Another colleague worked on cryptographic solutions in the days when they were treated as armaments subject to the International Traffic in Arms Regulation (ITAR). If you don’t believe us, look it up. His business card read “Art Xxxxxx, International Arms Dealer.” Step away from the cipher, bud.

But business cards are so last century. Technology provides the capability to shill, er, sell yourself on web sites with unlimited bits and bytes at your disposal for pompous titles and improbable skills. Examples we’ve seen recently:

Speaker with Global Impact. Really? Maybe you can part the sea, like Moses. Or just cut straight to stemming climate change.

Million Woman Mentor. However can you mentor a million women and still have time to connect with random strangers online?

Visionary. In our experience, there are a lot of visionaries who can’t see the forest for the trees.

Creator of a Fair Universe. Can you make chocolate have no calories, Brussels sprouts be fattening, and give someone else all my cellulite (if I had any)?

Team Player. Terrific! You do the work and I get the credit!

Talent Acquisition Ninja. Is that like a headhunter, only with a sword?

Chief Empowerment Officer. The all-important role of plugging in the corporate coffee pots.

We enjoy a good sendup, so in the interests of creating a character with an exaggerated sense of self-importance, we welcome postings of egregiously over-the-top professional descriptions.

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